With apologies to the master, for stealing his format.

Most Illustrious Reader, Having now somewhat considered the specimens of those who proclaim themselves skilled contrivers of digital systems, and that the invention and operation of the said systems are nothing different from systems for common use: I shall endeavor, without prejudice to any one else, to explain myself to your Excellency, show you my secrets, and offer them to your best pleasure and approbation to work with effect at opportune moments on things which, in part, shall be briefly noted below.

  1. I have a range of abilities and flexible interests, adapted to be most easily deployed, including small business IT, web development, basic laboratory chemistry, technology development, laboratory automation, forklift operation, basic network administration, and more.

  2. I know how, when a server is to be besieged, to employ caching and load balancing, convert dynamic pages to a compiled static site, employ asynchronous systems, deploy on cloudfront, and other concepts pertaining to such expeditions.

  3. If, by reason of the nature of the content, or the demands of the features, it is impossible, when adapting a web application, to avail oneself of static site compilers or heavy caching, I have methods for developing high performance web applications, even using languages such as Go or Haskell.

  4. I have kinds of problem solving; adapted from Polya and with these I think pragmatically, almost resembling a brainstorm; and with the results of these engender great clarity and concision to myself and my cohort, to our great benefit.

  5. And if the difficulty should be in the cloud I have knowledge of many programs and systems most efficient for deploying and rolling back, for continuously integrating and for testing. These combined with reasonable automation will resist destruction from the largest of typos or failed deployments.

  6. I have means by years of assiduous computer use and desktop support, to achieve troubleshooting, construction, repair, and maintenance of computers.

  7. In case of need I will reason about, discuss, and generally benefit from knowledge of computer architecture; from the theoretical depths of Von-Neumann architechture to the practical properties of the relative speeds of L1, L2, and L3 cache hits vs paged and unpaged memory.

  8. Where the operation of standard frameworks may fail, I would contrive extensions, additions, modules, scripts, and other software of marvelous efficacy and not in common use. And in short, according to the variety of cases, I can contrive various and endless means of programming.

  9. In times of recreation I believe I can give perfect satisfaction and to the equal of any other in ultimate frisbee, Battlefied 4, hiking and the composition of amusing argument and discussion.

  10. I can carry out laboratory automation, data logging, and similar practical applications of technology as any may be done by "duct tape" engineers.

Again, this website may be taken in browser, which is to be to the immortal glory and eternal honor of the reader, the thinker and of the illustrious house of the Internet.

And if any of the above-named things seem to anyone to be impossible or not feasible, I am most ready to make the experiment in your virtual machine, tmux, remote desktop session, or in whatever place may please your Excellency — to whom I comment myself with the utmost humility, etc